Eating disorder forever?

I am 20 years old and have an eating disorder. I have no idea what to do. Well, actually I do but I cannot face doctors, psychiatrists etc. And I'm actually probably not even that bad anyway. However, I feel like I will have an eating disorder forever.

A few years ago I was hospitalized for almost 6 months. I guess I was quite sick, but still can't really see it. I was in a few different hospitals and wards, but I didn't really change.

Medically I went home quite ok, however, psychologically I was far from ok. I couldn't stand being in hospital anymore as no one seemed to 'get it'. I never wanted to get better but people didn't listen or even try to understand.

I struggled with the weight gain and had naso-gastric tubes forced down my throat a lot of the time. I was never good enough to be classed as having anorexia. I still don't think I was or am. I just know that I have an eating disorder.

Right now I feel so lost because my whole life revolves around having this eating disorder. I am so fat and look rather hideous. Over time I have engaged in pretty much every eating disorder behavior. While I mostly stick with not eating much, I am obsessed with calories, food, weight, being skinny, appearance, clothes, cooking. Anything you can think of when it comes to eating disorders, I am probably fascinated by it.

Some days are just so tormenting. It is indescribably hard. It can be complete torture at times. When I don't eat and do things the way I should, I'm fine. But when I eat more than allowed it makes me so sick and it's unbearable. It's incredibly isolating and destructive.

This is only a small insight into what I live with every single day. Being like this has destroyed my life. I know I'm sick, but I can't stop this. I still don't even want to get better. What do I do?