Male Anorexia On The Dr. Phil Show - Life Time, Not Gym Time

by Troy
(North Dakota)

Admin Note - In 2008, Troy appeared on The Dr. Phil Show to share this story.

The outcast, the taunted, the pretender, the funny guy and the jock. The slow transition of my social status throughout my school years are pretty dramatic. I never thought twice that what was going on at school, at home or how I was feeling may have been different from everyone else. Teasing, not fitting in, a split family and worrying about everything were 'normal,' right? That is exactly what I thought throughout my childhood, adolescent and teen years.

My parents divorced when I was five. Early memories are tainted by fighting, trying to be the 'perfect' son and worrying how everyone else viewed my life. Perfectionism was a term that I knew nothing about. I did not see much of my father and was raised in a nearly all female family.

With no male to identify with, I developed a "Type A Personality" and slowly began to analyze/control everything on my own. Sports had always been part of me. Every year was filled with non-stop, action packed sports scheduling. I was not a stand-out but I loved being part of something bigger than myself.

I was the 'average' guy in high school. I didn't think I was blessed with good looks nor did I think I had what it took to grasp the 4.0 and never received attention from the opposite sex. Finding my sense of humor to cover my pain was a coping skill I learned to use very, very well. It was not until my senior year that I really thought that I had 'made it.'

I matured physically and performed well in athletics, I had managed to mask my insecurities and thought nothing could stop me. Unfortunately, the year I thought I had found myself came and went in a flash.

I was off to college in the fall of 2004 with no idea of what I wanted to do with my life. The pressures of being away from home, the financial burden of secondary education and loss of friends made college a challenge from day one. Looking back, I now see hints of an unhealthy body image, perfectionism, self-loathing and a people-pleasing mentality.

To satisfy my need for stability, I based my self worth on two things I knew could be controlled; body image and academic performance. I remember one night in my dorm telling myself, "You look horrible. You need exercise, now." From that night on, the exercise regimen I planned for myself would be a burden I'd carry with me the next four years of my life.

I began to get positive feedback from peers about my appearance. The attention and reinforcement became a 'high.' I loved every minute of it. Academically, I excelled. I had chosen my career path (teaching), I was cramming, cutting out my social activities and completely diving into my studies. I was consistently on the Presidential Honor Roll, I'd joined numerous high achieving organizations and became a standout among my fellow students and academic department.

The recognition, awards and honors were what I thought I needed to succeed. But, no matter what I achieved, the reward for each achievement was short lived. I was always thinking to myself, "Yes! I have accomplished x, y and z!" But the afterthought was, "What now?" It was a never-ending cycle of emotional highs/lows.

In my final semester during college I began student teaching. I had to pack up and relocate to use my hard earned skills in the classroom. Again, I found myself on my own. The pressure to base my self worth on external factors became excruciating. The focus was now solely on my body image and exercise. It was rigid, mandatory and completely life-consuming.

I found myself feeling as though my day was not complete unless I had my 'fix.' Then - college graduation. This was it - this was MY moment, this was what I had worked so very hard for during the last four years of my life. During the President's address to the graduates, I was mentioned as a standout student for my travels to South Africa and excellence in student progress. "This day could not get any better," I thought. I received my bachelor's degree in Health/Physical Education, a Minor in Athletic Coaching and a Health/Science Concentration in May, 2008.

The summer of 2008 was when my ED completely took control of my life. At the time, I did not have a job, I was uncertain of my future and grades were now a thing of the past. Now, exercise and food control was my only escape. Every waking moment of every single day revolved around getting to the gym. My new phrase was, "Less is more, smaller is better, exercise is key and all food is bad." I lost friends, time with family and the isolation process slowly took it's grip on my life.

It was during this time that my family became concerned about my health. I'd lost a significant amount of weight, my personality changed and my mood was becoming worse. I decided to appease my family and scheduled an appointment with a specialist. Her conclusion? "Your son has a hypothyroid problem and needs a little extra in his diet." I was ecstatic. I (my eating disorder) had managed to continue hiding my patterns from my family and friends.


Despite my drastic physical and emotional changes, I managed to land a job in the fall of 2008. Motivated and excited to become the 'best of the best' as far as teachers go; for the moment, I thought I was happy.

At first it went well, but I knew that my life was out of control. I was exercising non-stop, my food intake had dwindled and obsessional thoughts about body image and exercise ran through my mind constantly. On the inside I was screaming, my body was screaming and my mind racing, but I kept quiet.

After all, I was a guy and guy's don't get ED's. What kind of role model would I be if I admitted to this? November 6, 2008 was the day I reached out for help. Sitting in my house; isolated, sick, scared and near death, I sent an email for help I never thought I would receive.

I appeared on the "Dr. Phil Show" in December 2008 and was referred to a treatment facility in Wisconsin. I never imagined that I would go; nor did I believe that my responsibilities as a teacher would allow the time. After all, by admitting my problem, I was letting everyone down. The guilt and shame associated with my disorder only intensified when my secret was out.

The defining moment to leave was when my PCP told me, "Troy, you have only weeks left if you do not get help." Those words changed my life.

I went into treatment in January of 2009 and was there for 81 days. I managed to conquer some of the issues at the root of my eating disorder, but definitely not all of them. I pressured myself to get back to my job, back to life and back to my responsibilities. I knew that I was going home unprepared.

The remaining months of the school were fast; and along with them came old habits and coping skills. The most frightening consequence of coming home early were the new strategies I acquired to become more unhealthy than before.

I entered myself back into treatment in the summer of 2009 and was there for another 81 days. This time, things were different. It was harder, emotionally draining and more life changing than I ever expected. I challenged myself, my thoughts and behaviors like never before. My demons had shown themselves, I was in touch with feelings I had not been in touch with in years. From perfectionism, a intense urge for control and a people-pleasing mentality; to horrible body image, low self-worth and the need for attention.

All of these had robbed me throughout my entire life; even without consciously knowing it. Now, I wanted to be 'the real me.' I found out that exercising had become a form of escape, self-punishment and emotional numbing out. I did not know how to love who I was on the inside.

Food restriction was my crutch and a false sense of control that became a dangerous weapon I used against myself. To gain control of my life again; I learned to 'let go' of all control entirely.

That was one of the hardest steps I had to take to help build the foundation for my recovery. I still deal with issues. After all, recovery is hardly a set destination; it's a process and a road that you travel over time.

I am finally in love with life and I cannot say what it means to begin each day free from my ED chains. My faith and belief in God helped drive my desire for recovery and I often looked to one verse to get me through: Philippians 4:13.

Since returning home, I have taken on a new-found passion, motivational speaking. Presenting my story, "81 Days & Counting: My Journey Back," to schools and organizations across the state of North Dakota and the nation as a means for outreach and support of ED's has been life-changing.

A website I've created also 'Reaches Those Who Cannot Do It Alone.' NEDA has been wonderful in working with me in advocacy, too. I am now a NEDA media spokesperson, "NEDA Navigator," legislative liaison and NEDA Week Coordinator all for the state of North Dakota and now a national male advocate.

Besides waking each day with a sense of freedom, I can happily say that recovery has allowed me to do everything I've wanted. I'm now attending graduate school, working in a career I love and I'm closer to my family than I have ever been.
www.yourjourneyback.webs.com