My Struggle With Several Eating Disorders

by Kayla
(America)

I have several eating disorders. I am bulimic, anorexic, and I'm a binge eater.

About three years ago, I became bulimic. Before that, I was always a binge eater. I ate whenever possible and I would always eat when I was alone; massive amounts of food.

Today I had a 3,000 calorie binge. I'm not purging right now and it makes me want to cry. I know I'm going to purge tonight no matter what because I cannot go on without getting this food out of my system.

I have also engaged in laxative abuse. About a month ago, I started binging without throwing up. I gained ten pounds. I started using laxatives so I didn't have to worry about purging after a binge.

I also said I am anorexic. On days I don't get tempted by food, I won't let myself eat more much at all. About five months ago, I started eating very healthy, exercised every day and started to lose weight, but not enough weight to make me feel accomplished. I gave up.

Everyone around me knows how much weight means to me. It is my whole life. If I'm not working out and eating healthy every day, I am throwing up or not eating.

I've gone to a counselor after telling my mom about my problem. She didn't help that much. But, I have gotten worse since I stopped seeing her.

I'm in shock that I've actually gained weight. Oh, and prom is in ten days. I'm a sophomore right now, so it actually is a pretty big deal to be asked to prom.

I'm fat so 20 pounds will not make a difference in me. I will always be fat. I was fat before, and I am fat now. I'm just more fat now. I want to lose weight. So badly. I never realized how much weight I was losing until I gained so much.

I thought the weight would just come off, but it didn't. It stayed. Now I have to work twice as hard to lose more.

Why do I have an eating disorder? I was an overweight kid. In fourth grade, I finally realized how overweight I actually was. I always knew I was different from my size 0 older sister and muscular older brother.


Then I started to get made fun of and started to really care about what people think of me. By fifth grade, I knew no boys would ever like me. By 7th grade, I started to workout and diet as much as I could. I started to lose my baby fat.

The summer before freshman year, I lost the most weight I could, by purging everything I ate. I was happy, but throwing up every day, after every meal.

I told my sister and my best friend. From then on, whenever my sister heard me in the bathroom, she hated me. I mean she loved me, but she wanted me to stop hurting myself. To me, I'm hurting myself more by not purging right now.

I know I broke my sister, my best friend, and my parents' hearts. I want to stop. I want to love myself. But over these three years, I haven't gone two weeks without throwing up at least once.

I'll start going ten days perfect, and then... one binge, one chance, I'll throw up again. My pants use to be big, now they're getting tight. I don't know how I could ever let myself get this way.

I honestly don't know how I feel anymore. I feel more ugly, annoying, and fat now then I ever did before. My body hurts from throwing up this much.

I don't have a problem. I compare myself to these girls on TV and the internet that have eating disorders and I say I'm not as bad as them. But I am. I have a huge problem. I don't want to admit it. But I do.

I want to be beautiful. I wish I didn't have to worry about my body in the first place. I always look at my sister and I wonder, why couldn't I have been that lucky? Why couldn't I get the good body? Why was I cursed?

I don't care if I'm strong anymore, I want you to see the bones and my ribs in my body. I want to be skinny. But, I will never be skinny.